The Ramblings of Rose

Why do so many of us who suffer from anxiety/depression/phobias always wait for something bad to happen?

Why can’t we just wholeheartedly accept a good thing?

Sometimes I find myself in such a good day…then I go on to ruin it by letting out the dark thoughts from their room. I start thinking, ‘Wait, wait…this good day won’t continue…what if (fill in the blank) happens or what if (fill in the blank) happens.

I actually found myself NOT giving in the the “TGTBT” syndrome today. Oh…it fought the good fight and tried to get the best of me, but my positive, confident side won. It was nice. I actually got to take in the day I had and be happily reflective on it.

Now if only I could have more days like these.

I feel like I am on the verge of reverting back to the anxiety filled person I was several years ago.

 Anxiety has never left me.  It’ s always there, lurking around and waiting until something unpleasant or traumatic happens to me.  For the most part, however, I have managed to keep it under control. 

Lately though, scary and negative thoughts have been filling my head, especially when  I am alone. 

I hate it.

 I don’t want to revert back to that person I was, who didn’t want to experience the world for fear of things, who saw no glimmers of hope or happiness in her future.

 I cannot let myself become that way again.  I have to fight this, fight it like I once did those many years ago.

I have  always joked about being a hypochondriac, but in the past few years, I have been obsessing with my health.

 I think I have this ailment, I think I have that disease, etc., etc.  Just today, I am almost convincing myself that I have Ovarian cancer.

 Oh my God, who thinks that way.  My partner is very understanding and tries to be supportive, but sometimes I think he just gets downright annoyed with me.

I am thinking of setting up some doctors’ appointments this week just so I can get some peace of mind. 

 I feel ashamed to be thinking this way.  It’s awful.

Why can’t I be positive and see things half full, instead of being so pessimistic?  I am doing more harm than good by thinking this way.

 Lord, help get through this tangle of horrible feelings.  And I pray to you to help keep me in good health.

They say it’s good for the spirit to write down things you are thankful for, things that make you happy, goals, etc.

So here are a few things I am thankful for:

*My sweetheart
*His sense of humor…the way he makes me laugh
*My nephew’s smile
*A good book
*A good movie
*Good airconditioning on a hot day
*Spending time together with loved ones

I hope to do more of these.

Yesterday, I am feeling okay in the afternoon…but once I am left alone with my own thoughts and fears, things go downhill.

It’s awful.  It didn’t help that I had a loved one who was a bit upset at me.  I need him, and well, he wasn’t there for me emotionally.  That hurt, too.  Maybe he’s just tired of seeing me this way.

 Today, I am okay, but we will see about things later on.

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